Shake My Shoulders, Wipe My Eyes

I tried writing a letter to my younger self, but he didn't open the envelope. He wouldn't have opened it, for fear it'd be a birthday card from family he should know better, or a postcard from friends he once had.

I tried calling my younger self, but he didn't pick up. He wouldn't have picked up -- that's when the stutter was the worst.

I tried following my younger self home, but I knew it was too dangerous -- that he carried a pocket knife along with a temper the size of the bullies he ran so fast away from.

So I decided to approach him by the stairwell. It had been 18 years since I'd seen eyes so angry, love trapped so deeply inside.

I told him I'm not here to hurt you. That my name's Dakota too, and my legs are as lanky as yours, my hair is as dirty blonde as yours, and that Mom was right about that mole on your stomach that you hate so much -- it really does get smaller over time.

When I told him I loved him, he stared at me with flooded eyes. I stepped in closer and took him by the shoulders and shook him -- told him to just hang on a while longer. That 2009 and 2011 are rough and 2014 will be brutal, but that 2018 isn't too bad and hell even 2015 had some moments and 2017 will make your guts curdle, but son, if you could just wait until 2022. If you could just give me one more day, that those days'd turn to months soon and those months to years and you'll blink one day and notice…

That today is a hair better than yesterday. Sure, it’s not easy -- it's tough, but it's easier. I wiped his eyes and told him it's okay to be angry long as you don't get nasty. I told him it's okay to hate life for a while as long as you don’t point that hate toward others. I told him it's okay to not want to be alive anymore as long as you continue to be alive.

He cried then and jumped into my arms. He asked about Mr. Schula and college applications and junior varsity. He asked about Paul’s sickness and Dad's drinking and Grandma's puppies.

I told him then that all I can tell him is that I’m here, and if you stay strong, you will be too.