Pearly Gates Questionnaire

It was a long time ago that I died. Some parts of it are spotty, but I remember what happened when I woke up as clearly as my first kiss, as my wedding day.

There was a man in a turquoise vest and purple top hat who stood over me. Without a word, he handed me a slip of paper and a copper-colored fountain pen.

I asked him what this was, but he didn't answer. I asked where I was, but he didn't answer. I asked him for a surface to write on, so he handed me a sheet of shale. 

I opened the paper up. And it read...

First off, we want to thank you for living your human life. We deeply value all members of the human community, and thank you for your service. Our work up here would not be possible without the generous contribution from patrons like you.

Before you can enter what’s next, please find below a questionnaire. We value your feedback... 

• Who is one person you'd like to acknowledge that you didn't get a chance to in-person?

• Would you say, as a whole, humans are more accepting and loving, or less accepting and loving than you expected?

• Did Life meet your expectations? Please rate Life on a scale from 1 to 10. 

• Would you recommend Life to a friend?

• If given the opportunity, would you start Life again? Yes or no? Explain in 1-2 sentences.

I sat there for a long time staring at the paper. Squinting my eyes, scrunching my face, tonguing the back of my teeth. 

That's when I looked up at the man in the turquoise vest...

"Is this mandatory?" I asked.

"Is what mandatory?" he replied.

"The survey."

"What survey?" he asked.

"The one I'm holding," I said.

"That's a questionnaire," he corrected me.

“Okay. Excuse me. Is the questionnaire mandatory?"

He looked at me for a while. Squinting his eyes, scrunching his face, tonguing the back of his teeth. Then he answered, "That’s up to you, I suppose."

I returned my focus to the paper then, the survey, the questionnaire. Tongue out now – fountain pen tight in my fingertips. I don't exactly remember my answers now. But that's not

important. I wrote this down to make sure you answer yours.

Anyway, it gets all fuzzy after that. I hope this helps someone, somewhere.